"God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed and the sinking, comforted and encouraged and refreshed and cheered us." 2 CORINTHIANS 7:6

Father God,

There is so much in my life today that makes me want to give up. I have no energy to do even the basic things such as getting dressed or taking a shower. Nothing seems right. Food no longer appeals to me. My family and friends want to help me, but the thought of being with anyone is so exhausting.

I just want to be left alone. Why must I feel this way? How could I wake up one day with such despair in my heart? It's not that I haven't struggled to shake off this gloomy cloud. I truly have, but nothing has helped. And then I remember how You died on that cross for me and how alone and abandoned You must have felt.

Thank You for showering me with Your life-giving comfort and the reassurance of knowing that You truly understand my suffering. Lord, I turn to You now in hope and faith because even if everyone else in my life gives up on me, I know You'll hold tight to me with a love that won't let go. Thank You for always being my Anchor.

Amen

"When you come to the bottom, you find God." Neville Talbot

When it rains it pours

A good friend of mine has a magnet on her refrigerator. It reads: "It all gets better in the end. If it's not better....it's not the end." That could not read more true for me with the last months very difficult, trying times.

The move in itself was quite hectic. I'm happy to say that we are finally settled in but unfortunately have not had time to really enjoy our new home. Then of course our recent trip to Big Bear. If that wasn't enough, I had to make a very hard decision regarding mine and a family member's relationship.
The pregnancy is causing extreme amounts of pain that often leave me flat out on the couch. My MRI is scheduled for next Tuesday but I have to go through a lot of paperwork and talking to the specialists because they try not to do MRI's in pregnancy. Unfortunately the only way I can get one done is during pregnancy or I will not have insurance to cover it. I lose my medical after the baby is born.

Some recent test results showed that I have had a Urinary Tract Infection for over a month now. I had no signs or symptoms but I'm now taking antibiotics to hopefully stop it from getting to my kidneys. Tests also showed I have Group B Strep. Unfortunately I have not been taking care of myself like I should. I'm so exhausted most days and I have no appetite. I'm sure all this has also contributed to my chest cold.

Since the move I have found it to be practically impossible to just stop and relax. Derek has been very busy with work and school which is a blessing. I'm struggling to keep the house together and to take care of Maelynn when I can barely take care of myself. I have been overwhelmed with everything and I have not been able to bond with Madilynn. I'm in my 30th week of pregnancy and can barely find joy in it. I was at a moms group at church on Tuesday and I was very hesitant to mention my feelings. I don't want people to think I'm ungrateful for the blessings we have or to think I don't appreciate my Daughters. I vaguely said how I was doing and two other Moms started talking to me. They told me their stories and they were describing everything I have been feeling. They told me to contact my Midwife ASAP. I called as soon as the meeting was over and she was so happy I called her. I felt ashamed telling her my feelings but she assured me it was very common and that I am suffering from depression. She is now treating me for it. After some research I learned that I have many of the risk factors for depression in pregnancy.

*Chronic illness or pain
*Previous fertility problems
*Unexpected pregnancy
*Complicated pregnancy
*Personal or family history of depression
*Previous pregnancy loss
*Stressful life events

The other concern my Midwife has is pre-term labor. My immune system is so down right now and with the other medical issues (pain, depression, infection) I'm higher risk for it. I'm taking it week by week. My goal right now is to get to 33 weeks. Then once I get there my goal will be 36. After that Madilynn will be fine if she decides to come early.

We have been so blessed to have amazing friends from church who have been very supportive with prayers and encouragement. Derek and Madisyn left yesterday afternoon for a road trip to Colorado. Derek's sister Rachel is graduating High School and they are looking forward to being there. They will be home Monday. Our friends have offered any help I need while they are gone and I have even been given some delicious meals because as we all know....I do not cook. I would just prefer to not eat. Terrible I know. I burn water though. LOL. My friend Niah even showed up with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers! She just had her second baby a few weeks ago so for her to go out of her way to do that means a lot to me.

Today our cousin Rachel is coming down with her babies Luke and Julie to hang out. Maelynn could use the play buddies and I could use the company. One of my best friends' Jacque is coming down and staying for the weekend. She is also pregnant so we intend to plant our pregnant butts on the couch with a ton of junk food and well......be pregnant. I'm sure there will be a lot of complaining and griping and eating and there will be no males around to make fun of us while we compare stretch marks and swollen cankles. Though I do miss Derek and Madisyn tons already.

Maelynn is doing okay. She is teething something terrible. All four molars are being very slow to push through and she has been one ball of crankiness since our move. She also has a cold so we are both just a gooey mess. LOL. I have faith everything is going to get better soon. We continue to keep in prayer and hopefully we can look back on this past month and maybe even find some humor in it or at least realize it wasn't all that bad after all.

Hope this finds everyone well.
God Bless,
Amy

Our trip to Big Bear

I would love to say our trip to Big Bear was restful and relaxing as it was supposed to be. We were all hoping it would be time to recover from the big move and my recent hospital visit. We were going to cancel the trip because the main reason we were going was for a friend's baby shower, however, the shower was cancelled because she was in the hospital already having had the baby. But when we found out my Dad was going to be there we changed our minds and thought it would be great for him to get to see his grand-babies.

The drive up Maelynn screamed and cried the entire time. She did not want to be in her car seat. We finally had to stop so I could take some time out away from the chaos. Of course Maelynn was a total angel the whole time we were out of the car. We dreaded putting her back in her seat but had to get up to Big Bear. The screaming ensued.

On arrival: seeing my Mom and Grandpa was wonderful and I was so happy to be out of the car. The kids were to I'm sure. I got to see my Dad for about 20 minutes at Starbucks before he ran off to look at some property for sale. I made dinner reservations since it was also my Grandpa's birthday. My Dad and his girlfriend didn't show. Dinner was good though. I made Mother's Day breakfast reservations for the next day so we could visit before we headed back home, knowing it was going to be awhile before we saw anyone again. Dad and his girlfriend didn't show. I left extremely disappointed. To top it off, Maelynn screamed the entire drive down and just as she stopped, Madisyn proceeded to violently vomit and have diarrhea non-stop at the same time. We ended up stranded on the side of the road for an hour or so until we finally found a hospital in Riverside. Turned out Madisyn had food poisoning. She was seen quickly while Derek waited in the hallway lobby with cranky Maelynn and of course our dog because it was too hot to leave her in the car. Luckily the anti-nausea meds worked fabulously and we were on our way home again 3 1/2 hours later. Maelynn fussed some more and finally about 20 minutes before we got home they both passed out from exhaustion.

I'm still recovering mentally from the entire weekend. The plus side: I did get a beautiful diamond necklace from Derek and the girls that I just love!

Today both kids are great. Madisyn feels fine like nothing even happened and Maelynn has been such a sweetheart giving lots of kisses and cuddles. I'm so glad to be home. Derek and I have decided that it is not fair for us to continue to uproot our family and take time and money to travel to see family as much as we have. It is always very stressful and there are only a couple that have ever reciprocated visits. We will most likely not be traveling again till at least Madilynn is old enough to communicate. Hopefully then traveling will go smoother. Until then, I will just continue to update our family blog with info and pictures of the kiddos as they grow up and reach milestones. God Bless.

Lots of love,
Amy, Derek, Madisyn, Maelynn & Madilynn

All settled in!

Well.....we are officially all settled in our new place! We had a lot of wonderful help from friends at church and it was such a blessing to have them help us make the transition go smooth.

There is so much more room for the kids and they absolutely love their backyard. We bought them a little playhouse, sandbox and bubble maker. Now Maelynn begs to go outside and will spend a good hour and a half at a time playing contently by herself.
(I will try to get some pictures up soon)

Unfortunately the past two weeks I have been in more pain than normal. My normal days I will be about a 4 or 5 on the pain scale and I'm able to deal with that fine but lately it has been going up to 8-9. We think it may be my growing uterus causing more pressure on my lower back which already has some disk and nerve issues. I spoke with my Midwife Wednesday to see if I could get something a little stronger than Tylenol and after telling her my symptoms (numb-tingling in legs, dizziness and unable to stand or sit without shooting pain) she urged me to go to the hospital right away. I guess she and the Dr. were concerned that the amount of pain I was in would spur on early labor. Once at the hospital I was seen by a specialist who determined that I needed to get an MRI done on my lower back. I was offered a few different pain relief methods but choose only one Vicodin pill totally convinced it would be enough because in the past 1/2 of one would knock me out. The nurse kept telling me she didn't think it would do anything because my elevated blood pressure and clammy skin were a good indication I was in a lot of pain. She was right. The Vicodin didn't even touch it and I ended up getting IV Morphine. Even the Morphine just took the edge off. I have been prescribed Vicodin twice daily and Flexeril 3 times daily. It would be impossible for me to function correctly, take care of the kids and house if I took the recommended doses so I have resorted to just taking one each right before bed. It hasn't helped. Today I'm just as if I never went to the hospital. In fact I'm now having a Fibro flare-up due to the IV. Anytime I have something done invasive that involves nerves or muscle I flare-up for a few days. I'm at a point where I'm not sure what the next step is. Once I have another MRI done hopefully we will have some options on what we can do to help alleviate some of the chronic pain.

On a lighter note: Once Madisyn gets home from school today we will be headed to Big Bear for the weekend to visit Great Bee Bop and Grandma. Also a nice surprise, my Dad happened to be planning to go up there to look at property so it looks like we will get to see him also! The weather looks like it will be beautiful and I'm hoping to get some well needed R&R.

Well better run. Maelynn sounds like she is stirring from her nap. Hope all is well and we are sending love and prayers your way.

The Bergs